Lying face down, on my belly. My forehead resting in the "v" of my bent arm. The pushing, the prodding, the feeling around with his hand. More pushing and prodding. Finally, he zeroes in on a spot and pushes firmly. A huge squeeze of the husbands hand, and a big inhale waiting for the pinch...
"I'm just marking my spot with a marker, Ms. Dixon."
*Huge exhale* Son of a.....!!!
"Oh, okay doc"
This time he gives me fair warning that the first numbing shot is coming. The worst part of the whole bone marrow biopsy, in my opinion. You'd think the flabby upper part of the butt/lower back hip wouldn't hurt. Wrong. That burn is like nothing else. Its enough to make you silently mutter cuss words in a Catholic hospital. He goes in for a second numbing shot and although I most likely can't feel it, when he asks if I feel a burn you better believe I say yes. Give me all the Novocain, doc!!!!! Now for the auger... Jerry, are you still with me??? LOL!! My oldest brother is probably passed out reading thus far... Nah, the auger is the easy part. Auger down, doc. Have at it. Drill those bones!! Now for the marrow aspiration. While I only feel pressure and pushing, it's awful. I am tensed up and back to squeezing Jason's hand until its blue. The lab nurse is massaging my legs and before I know it, it's over. That, my friends, is a bone marrow biopsy. Nothing a few Tylenol's over the next few days can't take the edge off.
I told you I'd write about it, so there you go. I haven't had one since June and I hope there's not another one in my near future. Luckily, they've come a way with blood cancer and SO much can be monitored through a simple poke for bloodwork. Which, by the way, is holding steady. All levels remain LOW but have gone up slightly which is what we want. What we don't want is my gene study (% of leukemia cells in my blood) to go up and this most recent one just before Christmas increased 1%. What does that mean? *shrugs shoulders* Doc said to continue treatment as is and he'll see me in February.
Do I stress about it? Sure. Does it keep me up at night? Perhaps. But, I have my meltdown and move on with my life. I can't focus on it. The unknown of this whole shit show is enough to make you want to crawl into a hole. One day at a time is the best I can do. And yes. I just called it a shit show. It's the best I can come up with. I'm still Rhonda... just with a side of shit show.
I recently started the generic version of my chemo thanks to insurance calling the shots on that. Instead of $14,182 a month, it now costs $22,000 for 3 months. What a steal! I live for a good bargain. Some side effects have reappeared after having them finally subsiding. Achy, sore muscles and almost immediate nausea and fatigue setting in after taking it. Getting in and out of the car/bed is slow some days. When I tell you I'm sore from marathon training, I'm pulling your leg!!! ;)
I drafted this blog entry two weeks ago now and I've come back to it at least a half dozen times. I'm struggling to find the words... Last week a friend posted: "God, I can't say it in words... Can you please just listen through my heart." (Unknown) Love it. Just love it. It's what I needed. It's what a lot of us needed last week. Two weeks ago we mourned with some dear friends after the passing of their 12 year old nephew. We struggled to understand why. Again, I just had no words. Sitting through his funeral service was tough. Stories were shared. We all laughed, we all cried. But then the last reading/message was delivered by their pastor with such meaning. I was deeply moved by it. His journey has not ended, just this chapter. A new chapter begins with Jesus. In a time of such hurt and sorrow, they find comfort knowing hes walking along side our Lord. This isn't anything new to me, I just had never heard it delivered in such a way. So to that pastor, thank you! It was the reminder I needed. Just give it to God and never lose faith. Never lose hope. Hope anchors the soul.
I'm trying not to be too "churchy" but at the same time, I'm just speaking from the heart. After all, God gave us a great reason to smile and rejoice during this grief-stricken time. Another dear friend welcomed a beautiful baby boy into the world. The circle of life.
Kind of a blue entry. Perhaps its reflecting my mood during this gray, dreary time of year. Some sunshine would be very welcomed. And I'm ready for some 70 degree weather. Am I asking too much? Hopefully, that crazy groundhog delivers good news tomorrow.
We registered Blake for kindergarten yesterday. Kendall's preschool registration is next week. Another two months has flown by and I'm off to the doc again soon. Time just keeps ticking away!!! Crazy!
Have a great week! Chat soon.
Be well,
Rhonda Kay
XOXO
No comments:
Post a Comment