It was the bottom of the 9th of game 7 of the World Series. The Indians tied it up in the 8th. The Cubs made the 3rd out to retire the side and we were heading into extra innings. This was it. The Cubs HAD to score. Everything was coming down to this. A 108 year old curse was riding on a run. "Please God MAKE THEM DO THIS!!!!!!" I felt so deflated after having the lead up until the 8th inning. It went to commercial. A Tide commercial came on, and wouldn't you know the actress stood there with two anchors on her shirt. That's when I knew. THERE WAS MY SIGN. The Cubbies were going to pull this off and did they ever. They scored their two runs, Bryant to Rizzo for the 3rd out and HOLY COW!!! CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN! (As if anyone needed that replay because I'm pretty sure the world was watching)
Hope anchors the soul.
My life has thrown up anchors. My children get so excited when they see an anchor out and about, "Mommy!! An anchor!!!!" If they only knew. It's amazing what they do know and pick up on. Anytime I'm off to the doc, "Mommy, you have to go check your tummy?" They were told a million times in the beginning to be careful of mommy's tummy. Most nights I'm asked by Blake if I've taken my medicine. He knows mommy has to take her pills to feel better. It is sometimes a challenge to have such little ones and not feel well, but, they keep the mood light and keep us laughing. Especially on nights like tonight when Santa talked to Blake through the vent in his room while in a time out. Haha!!! 'Tis the season.
So two weeks ago I had a follow up appointment. I left there a little uneasy but tried not to get all worked up. Usually, the night after an appointment or the following day it hits me and I lose my crap. Even after good appointments. It's the whole idea of walking into a cancer center and seeing SO many sick people and the flood of "what ifs" and the unknown and... and... and... Ugh. I'm there because I'm sick too. Even after a year its still kinda surreal. Some times we hear people in the lobby calling loved ones and joyfully passing on the great news that they are in remission. And other times, well, just the opposite. When I walk in I go straight to the lab to get signed in to get poked and find my place to stand and wait in my little corner and bury my head in my phone.
My levels are low. Low, like, are you sure you're feeling well, low. Yes, I'm generally feeling great these days. I was hoping my blood work was going to reflect that. Dr. Nand wasn't totally pleased with my results. He was thinking out loud with us and talking about changing my treatment pill or maybe changing the dosage again. Before doing any of that he wanted to wait for the results of the gene study. I think I explain the the gene study every post but people are always asking... SO, the gene study is an in depth blood test that measures the amount of leukemia cells in my blood. Looking for the presence of the Philadelphia chromosome which is the abnormality cell that makes up Chronic Myeloid Leukemia. The ultimate goal is for this to be ZERO PERCENT. No leukemia present. We need it to be going DOWN. Two months ago it actually had increased....
I was laying down with Kendall, trying to get her to nap when that Maywood number showed up on my phone 5 LONG days later. My stomach drops and I answer knowing I'm about to get the gene study results.
"Ms. Dixon?"
Dr Nand?!?!?! WHY ARE YOU CALLING????? As I sat up ready to run for the hills.
(It is usually his physician assistant that is always making these calls so when I heard his voice I assumed it wasn't good news..................)
He kinda giggled and said, "I have great news. Your gene study came back and I'm pleased to be able to tell you your level is 2.728% down from 6%!!!!!!!!!
Cue immediate tears and and a huge "THANK GOD!!!!"
He apologized for getting ahead of himself at the appointment but admitted again that I'm a hard case. "You go against all normalities in treating this disease and I'm always being kept on my toes with you. Continue treatment as we are and WHEN this number hits 0 we will lower the dosage in hopes of bringing your levels back up."
WHEN THAT NUMBER HITS 0 I WILL HEAR THE "R" WORD...................... JUST SAYIN'
A few weeks ago I hit the one year anniversary of all hell breaking loose. Yippee. (*rolls eyes*) What an "anniversary" to have. Jason and I have done a lot of reflecting and talking about the months and days leading up to October 14th. I specifically remember a distinct conversation between us just days before that Wednesday. My night sweats were completely out of control. It was one morning after being up to change 4 times.... FOUR. He told me it was time to get in to see a doctor. I looked him right in the eye and with tears in mine said "But, what if there's something seriously wrong with me??" I called later that day to get in for my yearly physical and it was on the schedule for 10 days later. Little did I know that appointment would turn into a follow up, rather than my initial visit. It wasn't even that Dr. that started this nightmare. It was our childrens pediatrician. CRAZY.
Life is so precious. So uncertain. Stop talking. Start doing. Live it up and live your dreams. Throw it all in the F it bucket and LIVE YOUR LIFE. What are you waiting for?
Thanks for checking in. Thanks for listening. Thanks for always praying. This was a tough one to write for some reason. I guess it was just time for a good cry.
Love Y'all!
Rhonda Kay
xoxo
